All's Fair in Love and War
by ayafangirl
Summary: Cartman discovers his feelings for Kyle the same time Stan does. Can the confused redhead chose between friends? KylexCartman slight one-sided KylexStan
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Nah, I don't own South Park. Matt Stone and Trey Parker do.

It's All Fair In Love And War

Yay! My first SP fanfic! I have been graciously invited into the S.P.A.M. club by my sister. Yeah, this story is mostly a romance-drama, so I apologize. I hope that my next one will be funnier. Yeah….read on and please tell me if you like it.

Ch.1

Kyle Broflovski sat alone, gazing out the window in school. He lived in South Park, Colorado so there wasn't much to see except snow. He was a small fourth grader of nine years old with ginger hair, bright green eyes and a kelly-green ushanka that he wore to cover his unruly locks. At the sound of footsteps, the Jewish boy turned and smiled.

"Hey, Kenny."

"Hey," answered Kenny McCormick, but from behind his hooded parka, it sounded more like 'mmf.' Kenny was a bit smaller than Kyle and wore an orange parka to hide his face. Beneath the hood of the poor boy were angelic looks, flowing blond hair and chestnut eyes. Kenny was shy and was the least talkative of all their friends.

"Do you know if Stan's here yet?" the redhead asked. Kenny shook his head.

"Jeez, _Kaaaahl_, you're soooo rude." A high-pitched voice chided from behind. Kyle jumped and turned to face Eric Cartman. He was a portly—no, _fat_—boy with a bright red coat and aqua-colored hat, which covered his short brown hair. The usual sneer was on the anti-Semitic fatso's face and his light brown eyes seemed delighted that he had made his 'friend' jump.

"God damn it, Cartman. Don't sneak up on me!"

"Oh. I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he lied. "I just think it's rude you ask where Stan is but not me."

"Stan's not a stupid fatass like you." Kyle retorted.

Cartman was about to respond when Stan Marsh walked over. "What am I not?" asked the black-haired, blue-eyed boy. He joined them, completing their group of friends.

"Nothing." Answered Kenny, (mff-ff.)

As the last few students wandered into class, the bell rang and Mr. Garrison called the class to order. Everyone took their seats. Another day at South Park Elementary…

The chapters are super-short by the way, so I'll never post less than two or three at a time! Review! NOW!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch.2

School had let out and the four friends were walking home together. As usual, Kyle and Cartman were arguing.

"You are SUCH an idiot!"

"Ay! Shut your mouth, Stupid Hat!"

Kyle gritted his teeth in rage. "At least my hat's not too small for my _big fat head_!"

Cartman lost it. He lunged Kyle, sissy-fight style. Kyle was equally as stubborn and fought back. The two held up for a while, until Cartman decided to play dirty. He kicked the smaller boy below the ribs, sending Kyle to his knees, gasping for breath. Still, he glared and tried to fight back. Stan stepped between them, placing one hand on Kyle's shoulder and one hand in front of Cartman.

"OK! Both of you stop! What's the point of this fighting?"

"It's 'cause Kyle's a big, stupid sunovabitch!"

"My god," sighed Stan, cutting off Kyle's rebuttal. "Your fighting is annoying me. I mean, they say you only fight with the people you love, but—"

"Ew! I don't love Kyle!"

"And I sure as hell don't love Cartman!"

"He's stupid and dumb—gr…--his mam's a bi—"

"Don't even bother, you pigheaded bully!"

"My head does NOT look like a pig!"

"That's an expression, nimrod…but it does."

In the blink of an eye, Cartman had pushed past Stan and was on top of Kyle, hitting him. Kyle struggled furiously, unable to fight due to the crushing weight of Cartman on his chest.

"Whoa!" cried Kenny.

"Get—OW!—off—OOF!—Lardass!" the smaller boy gasped.

"Say that again, mama's boy! One more time!" Cartman stopped to glare into Kyle's bright green eyes. Kyle glared back, equally as cold. He refused to back down.

"You. Are. A. Lardass."

Cartman leered over Kyle. He snapped his neck (or lack there of) with an angry cry, smashing their foreheads together.

There was a sickening –CLONK!-. Kyle's eyes burned into Cartman's with pure, unadulterated hatred. A stream of blood dripped down from under his green ushanka. Silently, Kyle collapsed backwards, eyes rolling in the back of his head. He sank back into the soft snow underneath a surprised Cartman.

"Oh, ffmmuuuuufff." Moaned Kenny.

Um. Review. Now. Please.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I wish I owned SP...sigh...

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch.3

Kyle awoke feeling dizzy. Stan leaned over nervously.

"Hey, guys, he's waking up. Dude, you OK?"

"Y-yeah. But my head hurts."

"That's because that dildo over their hit you." Explained Kenny. ("mmf hm mff fh hmmmff".)

Kyle sat up and saw Cartman standing a few paces away, avoiding eye contact. Rather than instigate, he turned back to his best friend.

"Where are we?"

"Butters' backyard." Stan replied. "In case you were hurt bad and we were really in trouble, we figured we could blame it on him."

"Ah, good plan."

"But now that you're OK, we can go home." He added, helping him up.

"Yeah," agreed the redhead, frowning at the back of Cartman's head.

So, yeah. I apologize for the shortness of the chapters. You really get the gist of the story in the next couple of chapters. I just can't get enough. CartmanxKyle! Everyone, forget Style and submit more Kyman! And Bip! And Creek! Oh, any boyxboy but Dip and Style are good for me. There's Style in your story, stupid...that's different! It's unrequited! Anyway, review now. Please. It'll get good, I swear!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: If I owned South Park, I'b be Soooo Happy. Heh heh, Craig.

Uh-Oh! Angst for Cartman! I love angsty Cartman!

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch.4

Cartman paced through his room in anguish. He knocked several knickknacks from a shelf. He threw his hat across the room and ran a hand through his light brown hair

_They say you only fight with people you love…" _Stan's voice echoed though his head.

"NO!" he cried.

_People you love…people you love…people you love…_

"SHADDUP!"

_PEOPLE YOU LOVE…_

"STAAAN!"

Cartman clenched and unclenched his fists. "What are you trying to say, huh? That I love Ky-k-" he couldn't say it.

No.

He thought of the green-eyed Jew who acted as the 8-year-old saint of South Park. Getting in the way of Cartman's evil schemes, standing up for people, he was so perfect. His innocent smile. His sparkling emeralds for eyes. That cute green hat he wore to cover that red 'Jewfro'. A smile tickled the brunette's lips. He was so self-conscious about his hair. In a few years, if he grew his hair out, he could be downright beautiful.

Cartman blushed. Had he just thought of Kyle as beautiful?! Well, sure, despite the huge nose, Kyle was…attractive. His body was so small and frail. It must be nice to touch. And his lips…

Cartman stopped, realizing he had a nosebleed.

"Crap!" he hissed.

He sank to his knees. "OK! I admit it! All those times I've made fun of him—I was just trying to get his attention! I know now, OK? I admit it! I AM IN LOVE WITH KYLE BROFLOVSKI!"

_The people you love…the people you love…_

"I get it, Stan, now piss off!" he shouted.

"Eric, sweetie," his mother's voice drifted from downstairs, "don't talk to yourself."

He groaned. This was going to be painful.

I just want to take the time to thank all who reviewed. I'm taking a break from anime for you guys and let me tell you, it's much more gratifying. Reviews tell you where to make altercations and improvments, and also brighted the reader's day. It means so much to me how supportive you guys are already! I can't wait to read more feedback!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

I loved that last chappie, and the ending of this one too! Romance and comedy make me smile.

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch.5

Before the bell rang, Wendy walked over to Kenny.

"Good morning, Kenny. Do you know if Stan's here yet?"

"Hey. And no, he's not." ("Mf. Hm, mff fhm ummf.")

Just then, Stan and Kyle entered the classroom together; deep in discussion about some online video game Stan had discovered the other night. Wendy walked over, flashing a nervous smile to her boyfriend and his best friend.

"Stan. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm great, Wendy. Thanks, how about you?"

"Well…" she turned away, her black hair covering her eyes. "Stan, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll be blunt. We're through."

"HUH?! Why?"

"Well, we just have different interests and—"

Clyde walked over, placing a hand on Wendy's shoulder.

"Hey, baby. Did you break up with the loser yet?"

She glared at him and for the first time, he seemed to notice 'the loser' was standing right there.

"Oh! Um…Marsh."

Stan glowered. "Oh, I see how it is. I don't need this." He stalked away angrily, Kyle shadowing him with a look of deep concern.

"Stan, wait!" he begged, grabbing his friend's shoulder. "Sorry, man, you didn't deserve that."

Stan turned, his ocean-blue eyes were teary. He hugged his friend miserably, sobbing. Kyle frowned. "C'mon, dude. Let's go to the bathroom and wash you up."

As they made their way out the door of the classroom, Cartman entered. His light brown eyes lit up at the sight of Kyle. He didn't notice Stan.

"Why, good morning, Kaaa-"

"Move it, Fatass." Kyle pushed past in a hurry and Cartman glared.

"Damn!"

XXX

In the bathroom, Kyle sat Stan on the sink. He ran cool water over a handful of paper towels and offered them to his friend. The dark-haired boy didn't seem to notice. Sighing, Kyle began to dab his friend's tear-stained face himself.

Stan finally seemed to come to. He glanced up to see Kyle, face dark with concern. His face was so close to Stan's and the blue-eyed boy took in every detail. A few loose strands of ginger hair had fallen out from behind his green hat. His eyes glittered under the harsh fluorescent light. Stan could feel Kyle's breath on his own face. He blushed and jerked away.

"What, Stan?"

"Dude, relax!" Stan snapped, agitated. "I can do it myself." He took the paper towels, "You're acting like my mom."

"OK. Sorry," he pulled back, un-offended, and watched Stan dry his tears. Stan felt a strange lonliness as Kyle moved away from him. He had…liked Kyle being so close. Pushing this out of his mind, he hopped down off the sink.

"OK. Let's get back to class—" he started. But he was cut short by the sound of Clyde and Wendy's voices. Both boys peeked out the door to see that the new couple must have excused themselves from class to get a drink form the water fountain. Clyde kept saying things to make her laugh. She leaned over and kissed his cheek and he smiled coolly. (Stan glared, he usually barfed when she kissed him.)

Kyle looked upset. He turned to Stan.

"That's it!" the ebony-haired boy yelled, pulling out a random pistol and aiming at his own head.

"Stan, NO!" Kyle cried, "Don't do it, dude!" he lunged, grabbing for the gun. They struggled briefly and it went off. A shot rang out. Kenny, who had been sent to bring the two back to class, entered as it went off. The bullet hit him and Kenny fell, dead in the boys bathroom.

Stan and Kyle passed glances, both gripping the gun. Finally, Stan spoke.

"Kyle…you killed Kenny."

"I—I'm a bastard."

Once again, big thanks to everyone who reviewed. Sniff...I luvs you guys! More to come from the twisted, perverted, piromaniac mind of ayafangirl!!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimah: Nah. Me, own South Park?! Everyone'd be gay. Not that I find that to be a bad thing.

More instalation. Yay! I feel kinda bad for Stan. But still, the show must go on!

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch.6

Cartman was elated when both Stan and Kyle (!) trudged back into class. He didn't bother smirking as Mr. Garrison yelled at them for being late. He simply watched the ushanka-wearing Jew mutter something to the Marsh boy and take his seat. It seemed to take forever for recess to come, but when it did, he flew out the door and into the snow, searching for the object of his affection. He found him on the swings with Stan. Cartman waddled over, smiling.

"Hey, Kahl." He said, pronouncing the name as one long syllable rather than two. "Hey, Stan," he added, "where's Kenny?"

Both boys looked shocked. They exchanged uncomfortable glances. "Kenny-who?" Stan asked.

"Kenny McCormick. You know, the blond boy in the orange parka who dies a lot? Oh, never mind. Stan, move, I wanna sit next to Kahl."

They both looked surprised again. "What?"

Cartman lost his pacience and knocked Stan off the swing. "I said, I wanna sit by Kahl."

"Oh, no!" the redhead snapped, hopping off his own swing. "I don't feel like being pushed down. You'd probably swing onto me and crush me!"

Cartman blinked. "Why would I do that?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Cause you always do, stupid! I don't really know why. Cause I'm Jewish, cause of my hair—you _always _do."

Cartman frowned. He clenched a fist. "Well, that's all gonna change! I'm not gonna be mean to you anymore, lucky Kahl!"

"And why is that?" he asked with suspicion.

"Cause we are gonna work on our friendship. I am gonna show you I'm not such a bad guy. And in turn, you are gonna be nicer to me."

"Bull crap."

The fat boy grabbed Kyle's shoulders. "Look, you stinkin' Jew, I'm telling the truth!"

Being so close, he was reminded of the other day. Kyle's hateful glare before falling, lifeless into the snow beneath him, blood dripping…"Also…I didn't mean to knock you out yesterday." He averted his eyes to the ground; Kyle's eyes seemed to stab into him.

"Are you apologizing to me?"

"Yeah."

The redhead stared at the brunet, contemplating. There was no malice in either boy. Kyle's face was thoughtful and Cartman's was hopeful. Stan watched uncertainly. Finally, his best friend spoke.

"OK, Eric Cartman. I'd rather have a friend than an enemy. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt…although you've let me down before."

"Not this time!" he promised, smiling.

"Oh, really?" Stan asked. "How can we be sure?"

"No, I think he's serious." Kyle defended, surprising them both.

Usually, it would be time for Cartman to crack a joke about Kyle knowing because of his 'Jewish Intuition,' but he kept his mouth shut. In fact, there was no need. He was jubilant. Kyle was giving him a chance! Next stop, he'd get in the gorgeous Jew's pants! It was perfect!

Uhg. Now I have to study for a math test. Oh well. Review and make my day so I don't cry after failing!! Till next time, buddies!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Still don't own it.

Oh, I just wanted to clarify this story is completely my own. It seems similar to Unexpected by Chapeu-Vert. But it's not! I didn't even read that genius piece of work until after the rough copy of this story was done! They are just similar with the same Kyman and one-sided Style pairing. Enjoy!

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch.7

Stan and Kyle sat in the Broflovski's living room, sitting on the couch and watching TV.

"Actually…I had fun today." Kyle admitted.

"Me, too," Stan agreed. "Cartman was actually nice. Especially to you. I didn't hear one racist comment."

"You're right." Kyle said happily.

Stan observed his smile. "You're not that naive, are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"This is Cartman we're talking about. Eric Cartman. Since when is he nice to you? He must be plotting something."

Now the child frowned. "Yeah, maybe you're right, dude. I wish we could actually be friends though."

"Why?" Stan asked. He had always assumed the hate between Cartman and Kyle had been mutual.

"Well, even you said we had fun today. And it would be nicer if he treated me like a human. Or more, someone important to him. Like you do, Stan."

Once again, Stan blushed, turning away from the sincere look on the redhead's face.

"Uh…thanks."

"Well, it's true." Kyle pointed out.

Stan nodded, getting off the couch. "Well, I should head home. See you tomorrow, Kyle."

"Sure thing. Later, dude."

XXX

Stan walked through the snow, annoyed. He didn't pull down the same straight A's Kyle did, but he still was very smart. Right now, it hurt to think. Of course he was lonely without his girlfriend, but was that enough to make him...like boys? No, no. He didn't like Kyle that way. They had been best friends since pre-K. Before they even met that fatboy Eric T. Cartman. Just then, he rounded a corner and ran into the very fat boy he had been thinking.

"Speak of the devil..." he murmured.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Cartman smiled. "So, you coming from Kahl's house? Yes, a fine boy indeed, that one."

Stan felt a strange protective feeling towards the redhead wash over him. "He is. Which is why I'm warning you, you'd better not be planning anything tricky on him."

"Jesus, Christ, I'm NOT."

"You'd better not! If you do anything to hurt Kyle, I'll make you pay!" he threatened.

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "Dude—I'm not gonna. Why are you defending him like that?"

Stan faltered. "Well—um--he's my best friend! I know him way better than you! He means more to me than you even know!" he blushed slightly.

Cartman stepped back, shocked. "No..." he muttered.

"No, what?"

"Back off, Marsh!" he growled viciously. "You leave Kahl alone, he's mine! I mean, er...mah friend too!"

Stan was incredulous. "Dude...you...like Kyle?!"

Cartman looked somber. "And so do you. But I'm an extremest, Stan. Back off or you will get burned." he turned on his heel around and stalked off.

Stan stood, blushing. "God dammit, Cartman!" he hissed.

At the same time, Cartman was fretting too. He would have to make his move. And make it quick. "Tonight." he decided.

Uh-oh, Cartman's up to something! Read on and review, it makes me smile!


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: STILL NOT MINE?! What the heck?!

Enjoying? Good. Review and let me know.

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch.8

It was cold and dark outside. It was not snowing, but the temperature was well below freezing. Kyle was warm and fast asleep in his bed when a strange noise jarred him awake. He opened his eyes. There it was again. It was coming from the window. He walked over and looked outside. There stood Cartman, throwing rocks at his window. He motioned for Kyle to come down and outside. The Hebrew glared. Cartman motioned again, urgently. Annoyed, Kyle pulled on his jacket and boots. He finally grabbed his ushanka, embarrassed Cartman had seen his hair at its curliest. He quietly slipped out the door and into the yard.

"What? Do you have any idea what time it is?" he demanded, feeling a chill creep down his spine from the sub-zero temperature.

"It's past our bedtimes." the hazel-eyed boy responded seriously, "but I need to tell you something and the sooner the better."

"Fine. What is it?"

Cartman sighed. "There's no easy way to put it. I've come to terms with reality recently and noticed something. Despite our arguments and the way we seem to hate eachother, I always want to be around you. Also, I don't like other people hogging your attention. I've realized I actually like you, Kahl. And making fun of you for your religion was a simple way to mask those feelings. The truth is, I want to be closer to you than anyone. And that's because I love you,Kahl."

Kyle gasped. Then he glared coldly. "So Stan was right! This is all a trick!"

"Stan? Crap, he already--"

"OK, Cartman. Where's the hidden camera? Or is this leading to some huge anti-Semetic joke where you end up calling me a pus--"

"No, Kahl. I'm telling the truth."

"I'm so sure!"

"I AM!" Cartman grabbed Kyle's shoulders. He noted that when he was surprised, Kyle was very cute. "I do love you! More than anything! Even more than Cheesey Poofs!"

"No. You. Don't!"

Cartman glared. He pulled the smaller boy into him, kissing him. Kyle's eyes widened. He struggled in Cartman's grip desperately, finally succeeding and pulling away, gasping.

"What the hell?!"

Cartman licked his lips and grinned.

"What—why--did you—you're serious?"

"Damn, Kahl. That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"But—I don't like you-like you! Yesterday I hated you! You sure you don't still hate me?"

"Did you pay any attention to that kiss?"

"Um...well...no."

"OK. I'll kiss you again. You tell me whether or not I hate you."

"NO!" Kyle cried.

"Why not? You didn't pay attention!"

"Well, so? I was shocked." he said honestly. He had spent the whole time trying to get away.

"OK then, Kahl."

With that, he leaned closer. Kyle stiffened a bit but didn't fight back. He allowed Cartman to kiss him. Noticing the brunette's eyes were closed, he did the same. Kyle was bewildered. For the first time in his life, being so close to Cartman didn't make him feel nervous at all. Usually, he would be waiting to be knocked back into the snow or kicked below the belt. Or his hat would be thrown into the snow and the taller boy would rant about his hair. Now, Kyle felt safe..._cherished._

Not to mention that Kyle's jacket was unbuttoned. He was freezing and Cartman's body heat felt nice. Finally, Cartman pulled back, breathless.

"You don't hate me." Kyle gasped.

"No, Kahl. I don't."

Go Cartman! Yay! So review OK? Really, they make me so happy!


	9. Chapter 9

Discliamer: Not mine. Matt and Trey's.

Read and enjoy!

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch.9

Kyle walked into class, passing Kenny's desk to get to his own.

"Morning, Kenny. Sorry for killing you yesterday."

Kenny shrugged. "Don't worry about it. I'm used to it." ("Mff—mf. Mm mph.")

No sooner had Kyle taken his seat then Cartman came skipping into the room, practically walking on air.

"Morning, Kenneh. Where were you yesterday?"

"Dead." ("meeph.")

"Oh, again? That's too bad, Morning, Kaaaahl!"

Kyle nodded tightly. He felt awkward as Cartman stood by his desk, smiling. He had never consented to Cartman's doting on him.

"Hey, Kahl. We should hang out, just the two of us, this recess."

"What about Stan and Kenny?"

"What about those losers? We have eachother."

"Well, I don't know…"

Stan popped up from out of no where. "Hey, guys. Watcha up to?"

"None of your beeswax," Cartman sneered childishly.

"Hey, don't talk to him like that!" Kyle snapped.

"Thank you for standing up for me, Kyle. It's great to have such a good friend," Stan said sweetly. He wasn't completely sure about his feelings about Kyle, but he refused to lose his best friend to the likes of Cartman. His comment had left the fat boy seething and Kyle staring into space, unphased.

"Sure, dude. No problem. We should get a class pet. Like a hamster, or a snake…" despite his intelligence, Kyle was notoriously random. Cartman and Stan both smiled at this.

Stan finally spoke again, interrupting his friend's reveries. "You look tired, man. Did you get any sleep last night?"

Cartman froze, ready to be squealed on, but Kyle turned composedly with the practiced excuse of: "Well, Ike ran a fever so he had us all up with his crying."

"Oh."

Cartman let out a breath of relief. He tried to catch his friend's eye and silently thank him, but Kyle had put his head down on his desk.

The bell rang and Mr. Garrison ordered the students to take out their homework from last night. Stan did this mechanically, his mind in other places. Next to family, Kyle had always been the most important thing in his life. He was smart and kind and they understood eachother. Cartman tended to use cruelty as an instinct, even to his own friends. Kenny was strange and shy. Kyle was the only one who always acted mature and was ready to help Stan with his problems. And boy did he have a lot of those.

Was it possible that at some point his friendship—his reliance—on Kyle had turned into love? Actually, it didn't sound unlikely.

"I'm sorry, Kyle," he whispered to himself, "I think I love you."

XXX

Recess was a nightmare for poor Kyle. First, Cartman managed to drag him away from the others. Kenny had been a bit confused, and Stan was simply outraged. Finally, they had made a deal that each boy would spend half of the recess with him. Cartman hurried to the emptiest part of the schoolgrounds.

"OK, Kahl. Alone at last."

"Look, Cartman, I know you like me," Kyle spoke up, "but I don't know if I can return those feelings. Years of remarks about my religion and Hitler can catch up. I can't just pretend they never happened because in your own sick, twisted mind you were masking your feelings for me."

"…..why not?"

Kyle sighed. "You are so stupid! Because it just doesn't work that way, OK?"

Cartman looked a little confused and also a little dejected. "So…you don't want me?"

"Well," here, Kyle hesitated. "No one's ever told me they loved me before. It's kina overwhelming. I mean, let alone a boy—"

"Oh, so you aren't gay?"

"Are you?"

"How the hell should I know?" Cartman snapped, "I'm only 8 years old!"

"Well, I want to be open-minded. If you can cut the Jew-jokes, maybe I can try…being…with you."

Cartman's caramel eyes lit up. "OK! Sweet! Haven't you noticed, I've been nicer."

"Yeah," Kyle said, blushing, "you have."

"Your time's up!" Stan called loudly.

"I gotta go," Kyle said with a little disappointment.

"Uhg, Stan." Cartman growled. He turned back to Kyle, kissing him quickly. The redhead's blush deepened. "See you around, Kahl." He called, drawing out the name, savoring the way it rolled around his mouth and off his tongue.

Stan came and sat next to his friend. "Sorry we're treating you like this." The blue-eyed boy apologized.

"It's OK," Kyle answered, still in a daze, "what's up with you and Cartman? You're fighting even more than he and I usually do."

"Do you want me to be blunt?"

"Please."

"We've been fighting over you. Cartman loves you."

"I know."

"You do? Well, I kinda like you like that too."

Kyle stood up quickly. "No, please! Stan, don't say that! You don't know what you want!"

Stan glared indignantly. "I want you."

"No, please!"

"What, Kyle?"

The green-eyed boy let out a sob. He hated being so emotional. "I can't lose you, you're my best friend. You've always been there for me, I don't want to lose you because of romance."

"Well, do you choose me or Cartman?" Stan wanted to know.

"What?" Kyle blushed once more. "Neither," tears rolled down his face. "I'm losing everyone! Who's next, Kenny?"

Stan jumped up in surprise, "No, don't cry!" he begged. "Sorry." He wiped his friend's tears with his gloved hands. He the held Kyle's face gently, looking into the glittering emerald orbs. He leaned forward to kiss the ginger, who jerked back miserably.

"NO!"

Stan read his expression closely. "Cartman's already kissed you." He stated flatly.

"Stan—no—please—"

Stan simply sighed. "You're crying all over again."

"I DON'T CARE!!" he screamed, running away. He passed Kenny.

"Whoa! What's wrong?" ("Whomf! Mf-mph?")

"NOTHING!" he screamed though his tears.

Kenny was so distracted watching his friend run away, he didn't even notice as a bolt from the swing set behind him came lose and fell off. The entire thing fell forward and crushed him.

Damn, Kenny's dead. Again. Oh, well, I still love him to death! Er...pardon the pun. REVIEW!


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park...I want to own South Park. Life isn't fair, man.

WHAT!? It's almost over?! SHYYAAAAAAA! Oh, well. Few chappies to go, but now you're only gettin' one atta time! Mu ha ha ha! I'll update soon, though. OK? Whoo! Romance AWAY!

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch. 10

Once again, Kyle was woken in the middle of the night to find Cartman throwing rocks at his window. This time, he didn't bother getting annoyed, he merely mouthed 'one minute!' and slipped into his jacket, boots, and hat. He rushed down the stairs; almost a little excited to see the brunette was so persistent about seeing him.

"Good evening, Kahl." He smiled.

"Hey, Cartman. Um…I…" Kyle didn't know what to say.

"Look, Kahl." I came because you said you would try being open-minded and be my boyfriend."

"Those weren't my exact words—"

"But that's what you meant."

"Well, I guess. It just…"

"What?" the brunette raised an eyebrow. "You don't like the idea of being my boyfriend, do you?"

"That's not entirely true. I believe you can't help who you fall in love with, Cartman."

The larger boy's eyes lit up. "What? Does this mean you…love me, Kahl?"

Cheeks tinted rouge, he stammered, "Uh, well…it's possible that maybe—"

Light brown eyes intrigued, he pulled the muttering redhead closer, holding his shoulders and looking into his eyes. "Kahl. For just one minute, be honest. Don't worry about other people and what they think. You love me, dammit! Now be my boyfriend! I want you, Kahl, so damn much!"

Kyle broke. "Yes. Eric Cartman…please! I love you too!"

"K-Kahl!" With that, Cartman pulled him in for the greatest kiss they had shared yet. Kyle held Cartman's shoulders, clinging to him. Cartman wrapped his meaty arms around Kyle's frail body. Both boys were completely lost in eachother. In their kiss. Time froze around both Colorado white-trash-raised 8-year-olds as they clung to eachother.

They were so engrossed in eachother that they didn't even notice the shadowy figure staring at them from across the street.

Stan Marsh felt his eyes fill with tears.

"Kyle, how could you?" he whispered. His heartbreak soon turned to rage as he glared at the fat boy in the red coat holding _his _Kyle. Stan's hands clenched into fists. "Cartman, you'll pay for this! You'll pay!"

Whoo. Hot. Not really, but cute! Yay! Oh, Stan, what ever is wrong with your little brain? Review, please!


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: If I owned South Park, would I be writing fan fiction about it? No.

Sorry for the delay, guys. I've got an angsty bip story brewing that i can't put down so i'll try to focus on finishing this bad boy. I love this chapter...things are really drawing to a close. Thank you so, totally, completely IMENESELY yeah thats spelled wrong...for the reviews the favoriting, everything! I love you all!

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch. 11

Stan marched angrily up to Cartman and Kyle the next morning at school. The ushanka-wearing redhead smiled.

"Hey, Stan! Where's Kenny?"

"Still dead?"

"He died? That's too bad." he resumed staring dreamily at Cartman, making Stan glare.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to Cartman."

Brown eyes met with blue and a dark electricity filled the space between the boys.

"What is it, Jew-sympathizer?"

"You're seducing Kyle! I know your just tricking him so that you can hurt him!"

"Stan! Cartman would never--"

"This doesn't concern you, Kahl." the bigger boy cut in. "Keep your big (adorable) Jew nose out of this and let me deal with pom-pom boy." his caramel eyes drilled into Stan's deep ocean-blue ones. The black-haired boy held his ground. "Look, Marsh. I don't intend on hurting Kahl. He's mine and I absolutely adore him. I guess nothing's good enough for you, huh?"

Stan gritted his teeth. "I don't believe you! I recently realized just how much Kyle means to me and I won't lose him to you. He's the coolest person I know so back off!"

"Do you love him, or are you using him to fill the void Wendy left?"

Stan's eyes widened, confirming the truth. Kyle gasped.

"Oh, yes, Stan. And you knew that Kahl was too nice to get angry at you. He'd pity you. So you knew you could take advantage of him because he has no spine."

"Hey!" Kyle interjected.

Stan's eyes fell to his feet. "It's...all true." he murmured in shame, "Kyle—I'm sorry." he fell to his knees. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Kyle was by his side in an instant. "It's OK! Don't worry, I'm not mad at you, dude. It's cool."

"You're too nice to me," he said, not crying, but looking seriously upset.

Kyle hugged his friend. "No, man. It really is cool. Please—I just want my friends back. I want things to go back to normal."

Both boys looked at the redhead in surprise. Cartman spoke first. "You mean...you don't..._like_ the attention? You don't want us?"

Kyle jumped. "No! I love you, Cartman, I do! But—I'm not worth losing you and Stan. I'm just not worth it."

The two friends who had been fighting passed glances and in the next instant, they had both trapped the small boy in a bone-crushing group hug.

"You guys--!" Kyle blushed. "You--"

"Shut up and hug, Jewboy."

"Yes, Cartman."

"Hey, don't let the fatass talk to you like that."

"Yes, Stan."

Kenny joined the hug. "What are we doing?" ("Mf—mmm-hph?")

"Kenny, you're alive?" Stan asked.

"Yup." ("Hph.")

Kyle sobbed again. This time with tears of happiness. "Everything's finally back to normal."

"Mm-mmf!"

"Well," Cartman's voice was lower, "a little different. But in a good way."

"Yeah."

"You're right, dude."

"Mmf!"

Hope you enjoyed. review!


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I am not Matt. I am not Trey. I do not own SP. T-T

Sorry for such a short chapter, I just don't want it to end. You guys are so great! SOB! WAAAAHHHHHH! I don't want it to end...but that's ok cuz there's one more chapter after this.

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch. 12

Stan and Kyle walked down the hall together during lunch. Stan was over Kyle, but now he felt empty inside. After all, he had only fallen for Kyle to fill the space left by Wendy.

Wendy...

_NO! _Stan thought, _Don't think of her!_ Of course, that was hard to do when she was walking right towards them. Crying.

"Wendy, what's wrong?" Kyle asked in concern.

"Oh, Stan! Oh, Kyle! It's terrible! Clyde! He-he-he broke up with me!"

"Why?" they asked in unison.

"To g-go out with BEBE!" she wailed. Without though, Stan hugged her.

"It's OK, it's OK." he hushed.

After a few minutes, the sobs subsided.

"You deserve better than that, Wendy. Clyde was an idiot. Really, you're great."

"Stan..." she looked up, strands of black hair falling around her face and over her eyes . He brushed them away gingerly.

"Wendy..."

"I'm sorry for ever breaking up with you! Date me again!" she cried.

"Of course I will!" he exclaimed.

"Way to go, dude!" Kyle piped.

Yes! Clyde is a dick...GO STANxWENDY! I love those two, they're so CUTE! So yeah, Kyle and Stan are still close too cuz...well there super-best-friends! So review and stick around for the final installment!


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: The end of the line and I still don't own it. Guess I never will. T-T

Here you go, the final installment of KylexCartman. Thank you all for the love and support. XD

It's All Fair In Love And War

Ch. 13

Taking a deep breath, Kyle pushed open the door of his bedroom. Pulling his kelly-green hat over his head, he exited the hallway and down the stairs. Neither his parents nor Ike stirred. He made his way to the front door, pushed it open slowly, and headed out into the snowy night. He walked briskly through the cold evening air until he reached the Cartman residence. He ducked behind a tree as a truck pulled up in the driveway. A man he didn't recognize got out and was greeted by Mrs. Cartman at the door. He heard the door click shut but he did not hear it lock. Smiling at his luck, Kyle hurried to the front door and let himself in unceremoniously. He listened to make sure no one had noticed his entrance. The mystery man and his boyfriend's mom had long since made their way up to the bedroom, leaving him free to hurry to his lover's room.

He knocked quietly. There was no response. Wondering if Cartman was already asleep, he placed his ear against the door. He was shocked by what he heard.

Sobs. Full-out sobs.

Eric Cartman—THE Eric Cartman was crying.

(Quietly). Kyle burst in, a look of fear on his face.

"Cartman!"

The larger boy lay in his bed. His face had been buried in his pillow but now he jerked up in surprise.

"K-Kahl?!"

Kyle was already at the side of his bed, looking up at him with sheer concern. "What's wrong? Why were you crying?"

"G-get lost!" he blubbered. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I came to see you...you've woken me up enough times. Now tell me, what's wrong?"

Cartman glared. "I said get lost! It's nothing you would understand!"

"Why not?"

"Let's see, Kahl," there was acid in his voice, "because you have a functional family. Because your mom's not a slut. Because you _have a father._."

"What?!"

"You heard me, Kahl. You have a father! Lawyer-wussy-Jew or not, there's a father-figure in your life that I've never had! You don't have to suffer through the shame and the goddamn loneliness like I do! I hate it! It's the same story every night! Some new guy comes over and has a few rounds with my mom...and where am I? Crying myself to sleep every effing night! I HATE IT!" he broke into tears again. Kyle climbed into the bed next to Cartman and hugged him tightly. He continuously wiped away the hot tears that streamed from his boyfriend's hazel eyes, whispering that it would be all right. After a few minutes, the Nazi-boy pulled away, much more composed than he had been.

"I'm sorry, Cartman. I didn't realize how rough you had it. I won't tell anyone I saw you cry, either."

"Eric," he corrected.

"What?"

"My name's not Cartman, it's Eric."

Kyle blushed.

"What is it, Jew?"

"Well...you never let people call you that. It's...personal. But hey...I'm not 'Jew.' I'm Kyle."

"Yeah. Kahl."

"No, I know you can say it right--"

"That's my pet name for you, Kaaaah." he gave a small smile, then leaned over to kiss the smaller boy.

"OK," he consented, pulling his cold lips away from _Eric's lusciously_ warm ones. "but no more 'Jewboy.'"

"Why the hell not? It's not insulting and I think it's really cute for you."

"Fine. What do you think about 'fatass?'"

"That's insulting."

Kyle mused over this, tossing things around in his head. "OK, how's this? I'll try to cut back on the fat jokes, and you can call me Jewboy or whatever in school. I...I'm used to 'Cartman,' so I'll call you that in school too. But when we're alone together...I'm Kyl-_Kahl_ and you're..._Eric._" he licked his lips, as though to taste the brunette's name on them.

"You say my name like it's toxic."

"Is that a good thing?"

Cartman tackled him down onto his bed. "Oh, it's a good thing, Kahl."

They met in a passionate kiss, Cartman determined to warm up the smaller boy who whimpered desperately to get that heat.

Ch. 14 (Epilogue)

Things were finally as they should be. Cartman and Kyle still fought like cat and dog, but also shocked the town of South Park with their 'NazixJew' romance. Stan and Wendy got back together (again!) and Mr. Garrison got another sex change. Kenny went ice-skating and fell through the ice. And died. But before anyone could notice he was dead, he was back at school the next day. And they all lived happily ever after. Until Kenny got explosive diarrhea.

Theeeeeeee Ennnnnduh!

Honestly, I don't think they had sex in that scene up there. Just...watevs. Yeah, I know what one reviewer said about them being a little young for this, but I didn't want to write them out of character...I like their small size and chibi cuteness! But come on, if Cartman can be such a raging gay on the show at age 8, he can kiss Jewboy. Your reviews were all so funny. YES! KYLExCARTMAN FOREVER! I'm a big Stendy fan too, so HURRAY for them! I want to thank each and every one of you for reviewing and helping me with this story, hope to see you again real soon (I have another KylexCartman...I'm just too lazy to finish typing it.) See ya agian! REVIEW!


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